the dichotomy of the douchebag and the gentleman

okay, it's not really a dichotomy, i just like that word, but, you've gotta admit, it makes the title sound cool, right?

moving right along....

yesterday i updated my FB profile..added some things,took some out. i'm sure none of you read it either way, but, in the 'interests' section, i put "interested in meeting a guy that's not a total douche bag," or, something to that affect. (i do know non-douche bag guys, i just mean one that i'm interested in 'like that')

okay, so there's a guy that i used to hang out with.

(nothing more. and by 'NOTHING MORE' you know what i'm sayin')

he's attractive. intelligent. gainfully employed.confident. there were a few times before, that he'd invited me over--- i'd curl up on his couch with his cat, and he'd pour me a glass of wine while he whipped me up a tasty steak and some shitake mushrooms (and i don't even LIKE mushrooms, but the ones he made me were like bites of homegrown heaven)

...sounds awesome right?

well, i stopped returning his calls/texts at some point, but i've never really remembered why exactly. i ran into him last weekend and he immediately went into the whole "i got a new phone, i lost your number" schpiel...blah blah (little did he know i had purposely lost his long before he'd lost mine). anyways, he asked for my# again, i gave it to him. why, i don't know.

and now i'm fully reminded of why i stopped seeing him to begin with. he asked me to hang out monday night,but i wasn't up for it, i told him we could thursday night (tonight). i'd sort of forgotten about it, but apparently he hadn't. so i get this text earlier asking me if i still want to hang out. i say sure and ask him what he wants to do. he says "movie at my place...or yours" ....i'm SO over hanging out in the house (HELLO-what happened to taking a girl OUT? you don't even have to PAY for my meal/movie/drinks, let's just get OUT of the damn house, a walk in the park, hell, SOMETHING...let me not get on that soapbox). so i suggest instead,that we go grab a drink or a bite to eat somewhere.he replies with "think i'm gonna stay in." okay...so, i leave it at that. TWO HOURS LATER, he texts me again"what's up" ...so i proceed to tell him that i decided to stay in too, long day, all these deaths have me thinking about my grandmother, blah blah blah...an hour later, he texts me again "you r too emotional" --i wanted to say "and you, are a condescending a-hole" but i opted instead for the more pleasant route, and said "ha, i'm an artist, what do you expect, it's our nature" ...five minutes later he replies with"lol, true...r u that way in bed? ;)"

riddle him that, because he'll never know.

dude, thank you for reminding me why i dropped you like the falcons dropped michael vick. kick rocks douche bag. oh, and lose my number AGAIN, because i feel obliged to do the same thing (AGAIN), in fact,hold on---DELETE.

maybe.just maybe.

so, i was just walking up my stairs, and i'm pretty sure i had an epiphany.

i stopped midway up...and it all just sort of hit me at once.

completely out of the blue.

"robyn," (i said to myself) "you've been looking at this the wrong way, all along..."

i've got to preface this cerebral vomit i'm about to spew, with this; i think this little light[bulb] of mine, may have been instigated by a text i received earlier from a friend<--link...the "thought for today," as she often sends me, this one read:

"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it."-Moliere. Often times than not, we see obstacles as a bad thing, instead of what it really is...a source of motivation.'

so i said, "robyn, you've been looking at this the wrong way, all along...all along, you've equated being single, with being lonely, and thus, you've viewed it in an at least partially, negative light. when in reality, you should be viewing it as a good thing...because, maybe, just maybe you're single for a [GOOD] reason. Maybe, because you're an independent woman [and i don't mean that in a cliche', new age-"i am woman, hear me roar" kind of way...]and you do not allow the fact that you may not always have accompaniment, to stop you from going places, and from doing things...maybe there is a woman, or a young girl that you know, that may look up to that, and you. Maybe she sees you, and knows that it's OKAY to be on your own, and that despite that, it's still completely possible to enjoy, and explore life. Maybe you are an inspiration. Or maybe there's a man, or young guy, that sees you and respects the fact that you are who you are, and can do for yourself, by yourself...maybe he secretly hopes to one day find someone just like you. Maybe, as Andre 3000 once put it, maybe, you are the prototype<--link. Or, or...maybe, you're single for an even BETTER reason. Maybe, God has something so great in store for you [career-wise] that He knows a relationship/family would only serve as a hinderance...an impedance even, to that great thing. Maybe, He wants you to be ready, and have the capacity to focus all of your attention on this one great thing...or, many great things.

...robyn, you're not a materialistic individual...but, maybe you have at times harbored some feelings of inferiority, because you're still driving the same car that you've been driving for the past 6 years, while friends and everyone around you, (some even younger than you)are driving new model, luxury cars, fresh off the lot. but, maybe, robyn...you're driving the car that you need to drive, because you have to learn to fully appreciate that car, before God blesses you with the one you want to drive. He's not saying no, He's just saying not right NOW. accept it. embrace it. and know, that a car serves a purpose, it is meant to be a mode of transportation, and is not an indication that you're any less/more successful than the next person. you'll have your day, it is written...and therefore, it is already yours, you just have to be patient and wait for it."

i can definitely do that...patience is a virtue that i captured a long time ago.

now--maybe a month from now, a week from now, or even an hour from now, i may again be questioning failed relationships, determining and redetermining self worth, and measuring success, but in this moment, this moment right here, right now, maybe, just maybe, i finally understand the imperfect perfection, that constitutes all that is me, and all that is my life...

that's all for now, but stay tuned, after these messages, i'll be riiiight back...

rm'wah.