Declare Yourself

Four years ago, I voted.

(http://www.xanga.com/LostTrezher/152832209/item.html)

Four years before that, I voted.

Neither time did it turn out the way I would have hoped (or even prayed), but, it has not deterred me from casting my vote in this election.

Today, I will vote.

This, my friends, is a time in history that will be captured (is, and has been), no matter what the outcome. My grandmother is nearly eighty years old, and she voted this year, for the first time in her life. This election has given determination to individuals who have never had faith that their vote would be counted. They’ve not only registered for the first time, but more importantly, exercised their RIGHT to VOTE. I don’t care who you are, you have to admit that that speaks volumes. This election, has restored faith and encouragement to believe in a system that was put in place for the people.

I’m not going to spend my time getting into the politics of this election, because, Lord knows, that’s been done enough over the past several months (hi, my name is Robyn, and I’m a survivor of political burnout, lol). I will say this, I hope that no matter who wins this election, the next president we elect, has it in his heart, to do what’s right BY the people, and FOR the people.

And in case you’re wondering, I have no shame in saying my vote goes to Obama. For those of you who may be ignorantly assuming that his race is what fuels my desire to see him as president…you’re sorely wrong, as you and I both well know what ASS-uming does. Lucky for me, I am (not too toot my own horn, okay, maybe just a little *toot-toot*) an intelligent young woman…more importantly, I’m fair, you’ll never catch me being one-sided (and I can say that with true conviction). I have done my research on BOTH candidates (which far exceeds reading and believing email forwards on either candidate—I’m the person that will get that forward and follow up with some actual research…and nine times out of ten, they prove to be untrue) and am aware of what both *claim* (because let’s face it, until either of them proves it, that’s all it is, a claim) to have to offer America, ALL of America, not just its upper-crust citizens.

Anyways, no matter who you’re voting for, DECLARE YOURSELF, get out and vote.

P.S. I reaaally hope, that no matter who wins, all of the people who have felt so vehemently all this time, about Americans supporting their president, continue to feel this way.

Pay Attention

It's been a while since I've written anything, but, now, I feel compelled.

I've been on God's green earth for a mere twenty-seven years, but I've done a lot, and seen a lot more. I've experienced joys that some people will never know their whole lives, and pains that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. We'd all like to think that we know it all . . . truth be told, we don't even know the half of it. Armed with our shield of common sense, we're quick to dispel any notions of falling victim to life's daggers of stupidity . . . "I'd never do that" . . ."how could he have been so naive?!?" . . ."oh my GOSH, doesn't she have any common sense?!?" . . ."hell, if it were me . . ." . . .but you know, the irony lies in the hypocrisy of those very statements, because, well, we've ALL been there. We've all (at some point) walked into the battle knowing that we'd be going to war, and though in every instance, the choice of turning back was ours all along, still, we trudged forward into the enemy's territory. We knew that our chance of victory was a moderate one, but our BIGGEST hopes usually lie in the smallest glimmer of possibility. When we finally face the enemy and the battle is lost, it really shouldn't come as a surprise, and yet . . .the pain seems to resonate from the core of our very being--because, we knew better all along. And in the aftermath of destruction, we can't help but to want to point the finger; place the burden of fault upon someone else's shoulder . . .but eventually, we all realize that when we point the finger at someone else, there are 3 more pointing right back in our direction. Maybe your enemy is an addiction--maybe alcohol or drugs, or maybe even sex, has you in its grips, and in the beginning, you knew that it would ruin you, but you hoped you could handle it . . .or maybe your enemy is depression or self-depreciation, maybe it's consumed you and turned your life upside down, and in the beginning, you figured it was just a phase, you hoped that you could just deal with it on your own . . .maybe it's a boyfriend/girlfriend that you became involved with and knew they could never be faithful (even if they swore their love for you was stronger than their love for life itself), but you hoped you'd be different, you hoped you'd be worth being faithful to. What/Whoever your enemy is, know this, know that they do not have to be the victor. They may win the battle(s), but it's up to y-o-u, to win the war. Pick yourself UP, dust yourself OFF, let GO of your defeatist attitude, and HOLD ON to God, because NO weapon formed against Him shall prosper. Let it be a lesson, to yourself, and maybe even others. Remember, experience is life's greatest teacher, but it's up to you, to pay attention in class.

Dismissed.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same

Well, I'm better than I was when I last blogged..and yet, I'm still not there yet.

I keep thinking back to happier times...



..and I just can't seem to shake him.

I've had the opportunity to date other people. But things just never seem to add up. Either I'm completely not interested or there's some other issues.

One thing I can say about MP is, I never really had trust issues with him. I never worried about him cheating on me. There was one girl that I had my thoughts about, but I never really thought he would do anything with her while we were together, and to this day, I believe that he didn't.

I don't trust easily, especially when I feel that people are not being completely honest with me..as honest as I am with them.

I'm the type of person that when I'm committed to someone, I am just that, committed. Naturally, people are going to approach me. People are going to want to talk to/date me, but, if I'm involved, that's a no-go.

It seems to me that people are never satisfied with what they've got, so they're always open to something better. This is why I don't date. It's exactly why I swore off dating in the beginning of the year. I somehow decided to give it a chance, but I'm definitely having second thoughts about that. I don't want to be crushed again. I don't want to revisit the place that I'm trying to get so far away from. A broken heart is the worst pain that I've ever had to deal with. And you never know what it's like until you've gone through it, and even when you have it's nearly incomprable to the next person. Know what I mean.

Anyways, I saw MP yesterday...and we actually spoke for a few minutes. It wasn't like the other times that we've seen each other and said a maximum of 3 words. We actually had a conversation...nothing deep, but it was nice none-the-less. He starts school today, which made me extremely proud of him, though I didn't express that to him.

Seeing him, talking to him...probably not the best thing for me, being that I'm not over him, but I did enjoy every second of it. I miss him still. I miss being able to openly hang out with him...going out or just chilling inside cuddled up on the couch with Ramsey (his dog).

Why can't I have those days back?

I appreciate myself...I feel that I should be sufficient, well, more than sufficient as a counterpart, so then, how come I'm the only one that feels that way...

Slow Motion 4 Me

So...it's been a while, I figured with the mood I'm in, it's an appropriate time to make a comeback.

I dunno, I'm in a really weird place right now. I'm missing the ex-factor again pretty major. And I haven't a clue as to why, or where this came from. I thought I was doing really good. I mean, it's been....10 months since we broke up. That's an ample amount of time for someone to have moved on, don't you think? So, why is it then, that I haven't?

I'm really not even sure what spawned this onslaught of thoughts of him...there wasn't a real trigger, which makes it even more frustrating.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that I miss him so much as I miss the company. I mean, aside from my being at work, we spent every single waking moment together. If I was at work 20% of the time, I was with him the other 80%. After him, I spent a good bit of my time regaining my myself by spending it out drinking. Not healthy, but, hey, it's helped to pass the time. But, even that gets old after a while. And in the aftermath, you're left stuck with yourself again. Stuck with the thoughts of the past. Stuck with the questions that have never been answered. Stuck with the disappointment of having started anything in the first place, and stuck with the regret of having it all come crumbling down around you.

I find myself questioning my own worth. I know that I'm a good catch, I do. But, you hear all these compliments all the time..."you're so pretty"..."you're so smart and talented"..."you're so much fun"...you hear all that, all the time, and you're left wondering why none of that has ever been good enough for anyone. Or, maybe I shouldn't say anyone...maybe instead, I should say, good enough for anyone that I'm interested in. Reciprocity, I long for it. And I think, in vain. I've forever, or at least for as long as I can remember, had this lingering feeling that I'll grow old, and alone. I don't know why I've always felt that way...and, I've had plenty of friends and family try to dispute that fact, but in the end, it's just the way I feel. And, with each failed relationship (though few, they may be), I feel that that destiny is just further being solidified. Maybe I'm wrong, for the love of God, I hope I'm wrong. That's really all I can do, is hope, and of course, pray.

Maybe my day will come, maybe as I imagine, it won't. In the meantime, I'm just trying to figure out what the best way to cope is. I find the solution to my sorrows at the bottom of several glasses of wine, or beer, or whatever shot I'm taking...maybe that's a trait I picked up from my alcoholic ex...but doing that, only creates more problems because it leads me to make decisions under impaired judgement, which undoubtedly only adds fuel to the fire. Filling voids, can only lead to more voids. I deserve more, right? I know I do.

I'm not the type of girl that feels like she needs to be in a relationship in order to be happy, but on the other hand, it's always nice to know that someone enjoys your company without the promise of sex to follow. To be quite honest, I really don't even know if I would want to cruise down Relationship Highway, because it's usually even more of a headache than being alone. But, there are things I miss. I hate being a girl about things, and, before me and the ex-factor began dating, I was in a place where I appreciated my singularity. I was content. And I didn't need anyone...I never planned to let him in at all...it just sort of snuck up on me. HE, just sort of snuck on me. Damn him for that. Damn me for allowing him to sneak up on me like that.

*Sigh*

I suppose I'm done ranting for the moment. I'll get over it, honestly, maybe I'm just pmsing. I'll check back in a week or so with my progress, and then we'll know.

Til then....

SSS, out.